It seems like it’s been eons since Starbucks debuted their Pumpkin Spice Latte and started what we lovingly refer to as the “Pumpocalypse” every Fall. Don’t get us wrong, we LIVE for fall and don’t care if that makes us “basic.” Is there anything basic about women being allowed to enjoy things? We think not. HOWEVER, I think we’re all in agreement that things have been taken too damn far. Thankfully, we’re past 2012’s Pumpkin Spice Pringles and past 2014’s Pumpkin Spice Hummus, but that doesn’t mean brands aren’t out here WILDING in the name of those orange gourds we all love so much. I decided to do a deep dive into all things Pumpkin Spice to find the absolute worst of this year’s offerings.
Read on at your own risk, some of these may make you gag or, worse, give you a UTI. Here are my rankings for most inoffensive to absolutely offensive PSL offerings:
We’ll start with the least atrocious and work our way from there.
As Seen On Amazon
Realizing that this is pudding and not normal (ie, transparent) Jell-O does make this a lot better but I’d still stay far away from that milky mess.
Land O’Lakes Pumpkin Pie Spice Butter Spread
As Seen On Land O'Lakes
This is the most quintessentially American thing I’ve ever seen. I am both horrified and intrigued. Do you think they’d fry some of this for me at a fair in Iowa?
Jamba Juice “Pumpkin Smash” Smoothie
As Seen On Jamba Juice
Okay, I could see this being not bad? It’s basically a milkshake with pumpkin notes. That being said, am I going to try it? Absolutely not. Something about yogurt seems like it shouldn’t mix with pumpkin.
Sprouts Pumpkin Molasses BBQ, Pumpkin Pasta Sauce or Pumpkin Vinaigrette
As Seen On Sprouts
These all seem like products that are nauseating at first glance but might actually be surprisingly good? I will not be testing this theory out but feel free to do so yourself and tell me about it in the comments.
Pumpkin Spice Greenies for dogs
As Seen On Greenies
This is truly too much. Why would your dog care about seasonal fads? I’ve tried to feed my dog canned pumpkin before and she absolutely hated it, so I can’t imagine this would be a huge hit. I’d probably just go ahead and get my dog some regular Greenies, since, you know, she’s a dog. But maybe I’m wrong - let me know in the comments if so!
Native Pumpkin Spice Deodorant
As Seen On Native Deodorant
This is actually the brand of deodorant that I use and while I do love the formula, I don’t want my deodorant to make me hungry. Nor do I want to smell like a pie. Does anyone remember the edible makeup that Jessica Simpson made in the early 2000s? That’s what this reminds me of.
Corsair Pumpkin Spice Moonshine
As Seen On Corsair
Okay, pumpkin spice alcohol is nothing new, there are multiple brands that make their own version at this point. However, most of them are creamy (think Kahlua) but moonshine? Clear grain alcohol mixed with pumpkin spice? This seems like a great way to start hating pumpkins.
Tastin’ Jamaican Pumpkin Spice Mild Caribbean-style Salsa
As Seen On Tastin' Jamaican
Not all sweet salsas deserve condemnation but this one sure does.
Pumpkin Spice EZ-Squeeze Jello shot mix
As Seen On EZ Squeeze
The college version of me would’ve eaten 40 of these and projectile vomited everywhere. The adult version of me thinks the fact that this exists is absolutely atrocious. Talk about personal growth.
Sprouts Pumpkin Spice Kale Chips
And finally, the supreme ruler of Bad Pumpkin Spice Products...
As Seen On Amazon
I have so many questions. First: why? Second: how quickly would this give you a UTI? I would guess it would take exactly [1] use to completely disrupt the microbiome of your whole nether-regions. Third: why?
What are your top and absolute bottom PSL products this fall season?
Written by:
dineka ringling,
embody marketing manager
10/08/2021